Either you’ve been living under a rock for the past 2 years, or you’re familiar with the wildly popular series on AMC called “The Walking Dead”.  It’s the story of a group of survivors after a zombie outbreak who travel from place to place on occasion just trying to survive.  The series comes at a time when the idea of zombies is wildly popular and has spun nearly out of control save for the fact that zombies could like totally happen n junk.

If you’re one of the billions out there who watch The Walking Dead and have had a little thought in your head about what you might do if the proverbial poo ever hits the fan, then you’re not alone.  “Preppers” are everywhere these days, preparing for the end times or wars or zombies or a massive bacon shortage.  However, if you’re planning for the undead uprising, The Walking Dead is a pretty horrible “how to guide” to follow.   Here’s why…

Compassion Will Kill You

In the show, a group of strangers get together to take care of one another.  There’s the typical arguing, in-fighting, and drama that always ensues when you mix people together.  In a real world scenario, would this happen?  Absolutely.  You can’t lock two people in a room together without them eventually trying to kill eachother.  It’s survival, and they’re just being all pissy and moany about everything.

In a real survival situation with zombies, you’re going to need to know how to best use your group.  Taking in a weakling isn’t a bad thing, but don’t coddle them.  Hello, folks… bait!  Yes, you pull an “Otis”.  When the undead are chasing you, your best option is to throw the dog a bone and let the weak one go down.  He/she falls, starts to get eaten by the horde, and you escape.  Simple.

So lovable.  Yet so much meat on dem bones.

Watch Your Weapons, and Your Mouth

I can’t even count the number of undead deaths by bludgeoning that have occurred thus far in the show.  In theory, it is a good idea to not fire a weapon as it will most likely draw a crowd.  However, if you’re going to bash in a skull from up close, don’t open your mouth when you do it!  All known zombie infection information indicates that if they bite you, you’re going to turn.  So if you beat someone and fluids fly, don’t sit there crying about it with your mouth open in shock!  You’re going to get some of that in there, man!  For Pete’s sake, shut your yap and just get it done.

No, Lori.  Not you.  You need to lick one next time.

<h1>Kids Are Either Appetizers or Small Ninjas</h1>

Two words:  “Where’s Carl?”   Seriously, this kid’s mom is the worst in history.  Dad’s out trying to lead everyone out of harm’s way and she can’t even get a line on this little guy.  The kid isn’t bad, nor is he crazy in his actions.  He’s mild-mannered and willing to stay by your side.  Just pay some attention and keep an eye on him!

In a real situation, kids like this are going to get lost and eaten.  It’s a sad fact.  While it’s important to continue the species and children are the future, as long as there’s a man and a woman in good health, we can always make a few more.  Instead of keeping them close, start training them NOW.  Kids are small and fast.  Let them rush in to get supplies or do other small “ninja” tasks.  Use them to your advantage, just like everything and everyone else.

Not pictured:  Parental supervision. The house.

Don’t Trust Strangers

Spoiler:  If you haven’t seen Season 2 yet, Carl got shot.  (Oops, I ruined 4 episodes for you.)  They find a farm house, the guy in charge there is a vet, and Carl gets fixed.  From then on, the guy is shady, and things just go wrong.

Just as you should use supplies to your advantage, you should probably treat people the same way.  If someone provides you a service, take advantage of it.  Pay your debts, if you have that “morality” thing left, and then get out.  If you aren’t taking the unnecessary high ground, take what you can and get out.  So what if you make an enemy?  What are they going to do, come after you?  There’s a world of zombies out there.  Everyone has bigger things to worry about!  Just watch your backside that somebody doesn’t do that to you!

Those eyes…

When it comes down to it, just watch the show and decide for yourself what’s good and bad.  If you want to follow that example, should things really happen, then go for it!  The world is going to need bait for the rest of us to survive anyway, right?  Just make sure that while you’re watching the new season, eat a few extra sammiches to fatten up…  you know, for the sake of us humanity.